back again

Catchy title, Back Again. But when I received the news that the cancer was back two days after Christmas, being the optimist, I naturally thought that this was the end. I keep forgetting that somebody else is calling the shots.

I've been through the surgery, awaiting chemo or radiation or whatever they decide but relatively at peace. Got to take my first real shower in a week (it's the little things that really do count) and took a walk on the bike path this afternoon--freedom! Even thoough it was only about 10 degrees outside the sun felt wonderful. We're not used to too much sun up here in Ohio during the winter. Spotted two red-tailed hawks which I took as a good sign. The hawk is a kind of symbol of the connection I feel with this area and the people and animals who inhabited this space in the past.

The two hardest things in life are waiting--waiting for results, Christmas morning, a baby, a vacation to begin, a vacation to end. The second thing is letting go--letting go of old friends, children, and fear. I keep remembering learning to swim--my uncle kept telling me to let go and float--don't worry about going under--just relax and float, relax and float. So naturally I would flail away and sink. And fifty-five years later I still haven't learned to float, to trust in the forces underneath me.

There is no real safety anywhere. George Bush promised to keep this country safe from the terrorists and maybe on the surface he has succeeded, but at what cost. We are building democracy in the Middle East while at the same time tearing it apart here in the homeland. Our economy is in shreds and the general feeling is that we're all on this sinking ship together. So where is the captain and crew?

I keep thinking that this is all illusion. There is no real up or down. It's time to learn to float.